Well golly gee! The New York Times, the Old Gray Lady itself has come out with this brilliant piece of news reporting.
Get this - jails in Iraq are filling up!! Wow!! We're putting bad guys in prison!
Yet this is somehow bad?
So I get this straight - if we kill them, then we're bad. Now, apparently, we're not killing them outright, but we're putting them in prison where I'd be willing to bet they are eating better than they were before they were caught. And that's bad too?
Why, maybe we should just pull out and come running home and then put our heads back in the sand only leaving our wallets exposed so that the third world can pluck our money out easily and all will be well.
04 March 2005
Boogie Bass Hack
Those nutty kids at MIT...
Here's the output of an expensive and exclusive education. You too can now hack your Billy Bass to say whatever you want. I'm not too impressed with the fascination with the word "pork" in this article, but the potential for a swearing mounted fish holds a certain appeal to me.
Here's the output of an expensive and exclusive education. You too can now hack your Billy Bass to say whatever you want. I'm not too impressed with the fascination with the word "pork" in this article, but the potential for a swearing mounted fish holds a certain appeal to me.
03 March 2005
Maximum Pain is Aim of New US Weapon
Well, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Fine. If you're an unruly mob, let's go back to tear gas, water cannons, and rubber bullets. Your choice.
Why do you suppose that left-wing radical groups just assume that less-than-lethal weapons are designed solely with them in mind? That seems pretty egocentric to me. After all, MY assumption would be that these are military weapons, designed to be used against bad guys.
What's that? You're a bad guy? Sucks to be you.
Fine. If you're an unruly mob, let's go back to tear gas, water cannons, and rubber bullets. Your choice.
Why do you suppose that left-wing radical groups just assume that less-than-lethal weapons are designed solely with them in mind? That seems pretty egocentric to me. After all, MY assumption would be that these are military weapons, designed to be used against bad guys.
What's that? You're a bad guy? Sucks to be you.
OpinionEditorials.com - The Gun Ban Du jour - Holmes
This guy is funny. He's taking the current vogue in gun-banning (.50 cal rifles) on, and poking holes in their pretzel logic:
But wait, liberals cry. Just because these guns have never been used to commit a crime or terrorist act doesn't mean we shouldn't ban them.Taking the next logical step:
Next up for the Illinois General Assembly is a ban on turkey sandwiches for the same reason. Sure, nobody has actually been bludgeoned to death with a turkey sandwich, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. They might also want to consider banning the pen I'm using to write this column, because I'm seriously considering gouging my eyes out with it.Here's what I like most, though: he calls the gun-grabbers out for the frauds they are.
Just like with any other anti-gun bill, safety is not the goal of these liberals. Like always, the only people affected by this bill would be those who attempt to purchase firearms legally.
Which continues to beg the same question: Why are liberals so afraid of law-abiding, heat-packing Americans?
Gun Enthusiasts Continue to 'Open Carry'
This story is from Virginia, and it illuminates the naivete' of most sheeple when it comes to firearms.
I'm not sure what gets my interest most about this. It could be that there are enough people who carry open in Virginia to merit media attention. It could be that Virginia has legislators who say things like:
I know how Virginia can fix the problem: pass a CHL law, then let the sheep go back to grazing.
As the gaggle of gun enthusiasts with their assorted handguns sitting openly on their hips dined on hamburgers and chicken tenders at the Fuddruckers restaurant in Annandale, Victor Castellon's eyes grew wide with concern.Victor would likely poop and fall back in it if he knew how many others were carrying concealed handguns illegally, every day, everywhere he went.
"I've got to be careful with these guys because they've got guns," he said, sitting at a nearby table with his girlfriend. "It's like the old West."
Castellon was observing members of the Virginia Citizens Defense League, an organization that believes gun owners have the right to carry their guns anywhere — including restaurants like Fuddruckers that serve alcohol.
Under Virginia law, carrying a concealed firearm in a bar or restaurant where alcohol is served is illegal, even if the gun owner has a permit to carry a concealed weapon. But anyone may "open carry" handguns in those establishments, just so long as the gun is visible.
I'm not sure what gets my interest most about this. It could be that there are enough people who carry open in Virginia to merit media attention. It could be that Virginia has legislators who say things like:
"My constituents don't want to walk into a restaurant that serves alcohol and see people carrying guns," said Sen. Janet Howell (D-32), the bill's sponsor. "I've had dozens of e-mails from people who are both angry and frightened about open carrying."It could be that Virginia wastes time and effort trying to infringe the rights of law-abiding citizens, instead of worrying about actual criminals.
I know how Virginia can fix the problem: pass a CHL law, then let the sheep go back to grazing.
FOXNews.com - Views - Good Samaritan Gun Use
FOXNews.com - Views - Good Samaritan Gun Use
One of the good guys speak out and Fox News shows some real backbone by actually reporting the whole story, not sound bites, and the truth about a bad situation.
What John Lott forgot about guns and crime, the VPC will never know. He is the best source of real data concerning defensive gun use there is, and he has the hard data to back up what he says. And he points out that Mark Wilson saved lives by the actions he took in Tyler, by forcing the shooter to become defensive. All the other talking heads seem to miss that particular piece of information. But like I said sound bites.
One of the good guys speak out and Fox News shows some real backbone by actually reporting the whole story, not sound bites, and the truth about a bad situation.
What John Lott forgot about guns and crime, the VPC will never know. He is the best source of real data concerning defensive gun use there is, and he has the hard data to back up what he says. And he points out that Mark Wilson saved lives by the actions he took in Tyler, by forcing the shooter to become defensive. All the other talking heads seem to miss that particular piece of information. But like I said sound bites.
02 March 2005
My Great Uncle
My Mother's uncle, my great uncle. Look him up next time you're at Arlington National Cemetary.
Rest well, sir.
Rest well, sir.
Buying an AK
The recent shooting in Tyler prompted me to action. I have for some time now believed that a pistol is a good tool for you to use to get your way back to your carbine, which you never really should have left in the first place. As shown previously, I have a wonderful AR carbine, with an A3 flattop upper, EOTech sight, fore grip, and surefire light mounted on it. She rocks. From time to time I would carry the AR in the car (like when the color code system for terrorism would spike up). The one major thing keeping me from carrying the AR in the car all the time was that if by chance my car were broken in to, I would be out $1400 really quick. And I couldn't replace the weapon promptly.
This past weekend, I decided the answer would be to pick up an AK-47. I went trolling at the Market Hall gun show, and sold off a shotgun that had been sitting in the closet collecting dust, and the upper that JR and I swapped out. I neatly pocketed the $400 and commenced to shopping. There were several pre ban models out that had a muzzle break and bayonet lug, but the cheapest you could find them for was about $370 including TT&L. I found a post ban, which didn't have the bayonet lug or the muzzle break (big stinking deal!) but did have the standard stock set for $299. I think it was $317 with TT&L. I waited on the insta check - all of 5 minutes, and then picked up a couple more 30 round mags and 500 rounds of ammo, and still had money left over from my original $400.
This is the first time in a few years I've purchased a weapon new and had to wait on the insta check. For the record - this is the way the insta check SHOULD work. I give em my pertinent information, Drivers License # etc and they run me through the database and I'm cleared. No muss, no fuss. And more importantly, no wait. I've never been one to worry about leaving paperwork around for the government - if "they" really wanted to get me, then I'm sure "they" wouldn't let the facts get in the way and I'd be hosed no matter what I did or did not have.
Now, as to why I chose an AK:
1. reliabilty
2. durabilty
3. ammo is cheap and plentiful
4. I will practically never have to clean it or take care of it
5. if it gets stolen, I'm out $300 and not $1400
This past weekend, I decided the answer would be to pick up an AK-47. I went trolling at the Market Hall gun show, and sold off a shotgun that had been sitting in the closet collecting dust, and the upper that JR and I swapped out. I neatly pocketed the $400 and commenced to shopping. There were several pre ban models out that had a muzzle break and bayonet lug, but the cheapest you could find them for was about $370 including TT&L. I found a post ban, which didn't have the bayonet lug or the muzzle break (big stinking deal!) but did have the standard stock set for $299. I think it was $317 with TT&L. I waited on the insta check - all of 5 minutes, and then picked up a couple more 30 round mags and 500 rounds of ammo, and still had money left over from my original $400.
This is the first time in a few years I've purchased a weapon new and had to wait on the insta check. For the record - this is the way the insta check SHOULD work. I give em my pertinent information, Drivers License # etc and they run me through the database and I'm cleared. No muss, no fuss. And more importantly, no wait. I've never been one to worry about leaving paperwork around for the government - if "they" really wanted to get me, then I'm sure "they" wouldn't let the facts get in the way and I'd be hosed no matter what I did or did not have.
Now, as to why I chose an AK:
1. reliabilty
2. durabilty
3. ammo is cheap and plentiful
4. I will practically never have to clean it or take care of it
5. if it gets stolen, I'm out $300 and not $1400
Happy Birthday Texas!!
Happy Birthday TEXAS!! 169 years ago today, on Sam Houston's birthday no less, a hardy group of Texians gathered in Washington on the Brazos and freezing their asses off, wrote the Texas Declaration of Independance. Just like the founding fathers of America, the Texians literally subjected themselves to the death penalty at the hands of the Mexican government if they were ever captured. Less than 2 months later, Texas was an independent Republic and within a decade would enter the Union.
So for all Texians everywhere, let us share a toast today in honor of our State's birthday.
So for all Texians everywhere, let us share a toast today in honor of our State's birthday.
SJ-R.COM - Anti-gun activist arrested after firearm found at home
Yet another kook that makes up today's mainstream Democrat Party. While the story does not allude to her political affiliation, does anyone have any doubt which side she falls on?
SJ-R.COM - Anti-gun activist arrested after firearm found at home
Just so we're on clear on this: guns are bad, unless you need one to protect yourself. That must be how it works, because it applies to Rosie O'Donnell, Diane Feinstein, and now "Flirty" Stevens.
Got it?
Got it?
01 March 2005
AP Wire | 03/01/2005 | Gun-law questions raised in Texas shooting
As usual, MORONS! What a bunch of mindless drivel.
Where to begin???
This next one is classic. Especially if you've spent ANY time on the firing line with police officers.
And from the mouth of one of the anti-gun KOOKs:
In a trained shooter's hands, you betcha. AKs, ARs and the like do pose a risk to the people being aimed at. But again, the simple fact is that the overwhelming majority of people who handle those weapons haven't a clue, and the biggest risk you face is losing your hearing.
In conclusion, this sums it up perfectly. Couldn't have said it better myself:
Where to begin???
Wilson's actions have drawn hearty praise from gun advocates who say he probably saved more lives than just Arroyo's son. But gun control groups say Wilson's death proves that carrying a gun increases a person's chances of getting killed.Ok, so, carrying a gun increased the chance of Arroyo's wife getting killed, right? Of his son getting shot, right? This is one of the biggest myths the gun control freaks tout. Let's do the math. If you don't own a gun, what's the chance that you're going to shoot yourself with a gun that you don't own? It ranks right up there with their bullshit claims that guns are the 3rd leading cause of death to teenagers. Ok, again, let's do the math. What are teens dieing from? Cancer? Heart attacks? Lung disease? Chances are very good that Mr. Wilson stopped other innnocents from being shot at. Chances are Mr. Arroyo decided to get the hell out of Dodge after people started shooting back at him.
This next one is classic. Especially if you've spent ANY time on the firing line with police officers.
We don't want citizens to go out there and get involved in situations if they don't have to because they don't have the training that the officers do," he (Martin) said.Here's a dirty little secret boys and girls. MOST, not all, but MOST police officers receive little, if any training on how to shoot. MOST, not all, police officers NEVER practice. MOST, not all, police officers couldn't hit the side of a barn if they had to. So saying that a CHL holder doesn't have the training that a police officer does is totally and completely asinine. God bless em, but the facts are that most cops do not feel the urge to get out and train and improve their shooting because chances are they will never have to use their weapon during the course of their career.
And from the mouth of one of the anti-gun KOOKs:
"Eric Howard, a spokesman for the Washington, D.C.-based Brady Campaign to End Gun Violence, said guns like Arroyo's are the weapons of choice for many criminals. "These are military-style weapons that pose a significant risk to civilians and the police officers trying to protect the public," he said."Cars pose a signifigant risk. Gravity poses a signifigant risk. AK's do not pose a signifigant risk. Sorry. We've now had two shootings involving AK's in the last few weeks. Over 100 rounds expended. Two people killed. A handful wounded. Tell me how many people were killed by Chevys in the past week. Tell me how many people were killed falling down the stairs in the past week.
In a trained shooter's hands, you betcha. AKs, ARs and the like do pose a risk to the people being aimed at. But again, the simple fact is that the overwhelming majority of people who handle those weapons haven't a clue, and the biggest risk you face is losing your hearing.
In conclusion, this sums it up perfectly. Couldn't have said it better myself:
"But Texas General Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson, who also chairs the pro-gun rights group Civil Liberties Defense Foundation, said the military appearance of Arroyo's gun did not make it more lethal than others.
"If he'd have used a Remington semiautomatic deer rifle, the same outcome would have resulted," he said."
Oregon Legislators Go Crazy, Drool on Each Other, Hate Guns
Take a gander at the picture of the death-dealing bullet hoser in this article. Scary, isn't she?
Check out this beauty of an "assault weapon" ban:
Any bets on how far this lunacy might go? I'd venture a guess that such extreme penalties will cause this bill to die in committee. Guess I'll add Oregon to the list of places I won't go. Ever.
Check out this beauty of an "assault weapon" ban:
Senate Bill 927: Sponsored by the Committee on Judiciary, it makes possession of an "assault weapon" a crime punishable by 10 years in prison, a $250,000 fine, or both.Holy moly. 10 years? A quarter of a million bucks? Seems kinda steep, don't it?
Included in the ban is the manufacture, importation, sale or transfer, or advertise the sale of such weapons or to be in possession of "large-capacity" magazines.
There is a laundry list of weapons that would fit the definition of assault weapons.
Large-capacity magazines are those holding more than 10 rounds, with exemptions for .22 caliber, weapons modified so they cannot hold more than 10 rounds, tube magazines in lever-action firearms.
A separate bill, SB 937, also sponsored by the Committee on Judiciary, would make it a Class C felony to possess "large-capacity" magazines.
Any bets on how far this lunacy might go? I'd venture a guess that such extreme penalties will cause this bill to die in committee. Guess I'll add Oregon to the list of places I won't go. Ever.
Marsha McCartney is a Moron
Marsha McCartney is the co-president of the Dallas Million Mom March. She is also a moron. In a single swath cut through the Dallas Morning News, she has danced in the blood of the innocent, called Texas CHL holders criminals, and made up fanciful tales about the capabilities of a semiautomatic rifle. It appears to be her estimation that all guns are bad, but AK-47-looking rifles are the worst. She's more concerned about where Mark Wilson's missed shots might have gone, rather than why he sacrificed his own life protecting someone he didn't even know. I assume that police officer bullets are smarter than Wilson's and knew where to land safely. She apparently had no issue with LEOs firing at the bad guy.
I looked this woman up. Here's how she got into the MMM:
Marsha, it's a hard old world out there. Sometimes, bad people do bad things. I would much rather have the likes of Mark Wilson around than some shrill harpy like yourself when the bad stuff goes down.
Marsha, by any chance were you the same idiot that wrote complaining about that picture of the soldier smoking a cigarette?
I looked this woman up. Here's how she got into the MMM:
Marsha, mother of two grown children who attends First UMC, Coppell, learned about Million Mom while watching the Rosie O’Donnell TV show one day. O’Donnell was a big supporter of the organization’s first march on Washington, D.C., in May of 2000, at which 750,000 supporters from across the nation gathered.Puh-lease. A former soccer mommy who apparently doesn't have a hobby.
Marsha, it's a hard old world out there. Sometimes, bad people do bad things. I would much rather have the likes of Mark Wilson around than some shrill harpy like yourself when the bad stuff goes down.
Marsha, by any chance were you the same idiot that wrote complaining about that picture of the soldier smoking a cigarette?
FOXNews.com - U.S. & World - Officials: Bin Laden Urges Zarqawi to Hit U.S.
Again, an interesting view from our enemy. Is Bin Laden prodding Zarqawi to attack the US because OBL can not?
LJWorld.com : Dean roars into town
So. This is the savior of the DNC!? How utterly pathetic. Again, I find it somewhat interesting that the Chairman of the DNC does not allow media to attend his events. And, I do believe that this is a battle of good vs. evil. But Dean's got it backwards:
And concluding his backyard speech with a litany of Democratic values, he added: "This is a struggle of good and evil. And we're the good."Actually, you're the moronic. But that's a different story.
Moscow mayor threatens fines over bad forecasts
"Meteorology is a science, but meteorologists never claim a 100 percent accurate forecast," said Alexei Lyakhov, head of the Moscow Weather Bureau, in an interview. "Punishing weather forecasters is not happening anywhere else in the world, but maybe we should think about it. It's worth considering this idea of fining us if we also get bonuses when we get it right. And we get it right 90 to 99 percent of the time."
90 to 99 percent of the time!?!?!? The weathermen in Dallas can't be right more than 40% of the time. They suck!!
90 to 99 percent of the time!?!?!? The weathermen in Dallas can't be right more than 40% of the time. They suck!!
The New Toy
This is another one of those stories collected from the Internets, and passed on by a friend. Enjoy.
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs.
How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4-inch deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em...sure would like to get em back.
My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came cross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs.
How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4-inch deep in your thigh like yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em...sure would like to get em back.
28 February 2005
You are the member of NASA
Here's a feel-good story of a local Indian boy who done good. Well, he made some money, anyway.
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