It's Not Easy Being Green

I have had it with "green."

Don't let the kids read this tirade. There will be bad language. I am 50 years old now, and I'm entitled to some swearing, an entitlement I will exercise in this post. If you don't like it, change the channel NOW.

I was just scrolling through my hundreds of FiOS channels in search of something worth my time, when I stopped on a show titled,

Emeril Green

where Emeril Lagasse, the erstwhile Boston Yankee so-called Louisiana chef, will teach you how to cook "green."

Yes, how to be a "green" cook. I am SO tired of the term "green," that it can't begin to describe the color of bile that I puke up when I see crap like this. GREEN cooking? What - has Emeril been grilling Bigfoot filets and Spotted Owl breasts over moon rocks for the last decade or so? Has he been cooking with coal or diesel fuel? Has he been cooking over a short-block Chevy engine? Has he used cattle methane straight from the ass to combust his truffles?

Break. I need a break. Green this, green that. I saw an ad for a "green" CAR DEALERSHIP the other day. They're "green" because they use recycled water for their landscaping. I plan to contribute to their efforts and poop on their grass one night very soon.

There's some moron in my very own neighborhood who's purchased a CONVERTIBLE Smarte Car. A car that 2 drunken teenagers could flip over barehanded. But these vehicles are cool now, because they're GREEN, in spite of the fact that a collision with a Harley would total those French POS-mobiles.

Naturally, politics have gone "green." Algore has repeated a lie often enough that some people, some companies, some communities have begun to actually BELIEVE that shit.

Let's be perfectly clear, people, and I need you to hear me five by five: "Green" is a marketing campaign. It's the latest bandwagon to get you to buy horse manure, snake oil, cold fusion. It's the latest gimmick to get you to buy garbage you wouldn't have bought a mere year ago, simply because it says "green."

It's religion, and an apostatic one at that. Do NOT fall for this nonsense. The dogma that you're being fed via the news, propaganda, marketing and politics is crap that's "greener" and better for your lawn than the truth. Yesterday's hippies are now capitalizing on their newfound legacy, and selling you crap because they're "older and wiser" and you kids have squandered our precious meager natural resources.

Emeril Green? Gimme a break.