BOO!

Ha,ha! Did I scare you? Oh, mercy, I crack me up. Al hamsandwich!

Hi, Adam Gadahn here. You may know me as Adam Yahiye Gadahn, Adam Pearlman, the American Al-Qaeda, Azzam the American, or as my pals here in Pakistan call me, "Stinky."

You may remember me from such videos as "Knowledge is for Acting Upon," "Becoming a Muslim," "Driving Miss Car Bomb," "Dude, Where's My Camel?," and all those stupid-ass "training" videos with carpet-covered homies swinging from monkey bars and grabbing hot rifle barrels with their bare hands. I swear, they're so embarrassing sometimes, but they mean well. Plus, they want to cut your throats.

Okay, listen up, infidel dogs. We need to talk. More accurately, I need to talk and I need you to listen. You simply are not taking my threats to America seriously. Look - I'm not just wearing all this laundry on my head because it's so fashionably fabulous (not to mention slimming when it's in black), I'm hard-core, and I mean business. No, seriously. I'm street. And by street I mean AQ street (that's what the boys here in the cave call Al Qaeda). Street in the sheet - that's us. And we're not in it just for the virgins, either. Although, I have to admit, that does have some appeal. I'm not exactly Al Smootha with the houris, ya feel me?

Anyhoo - Allah say (peanuts be unto him) you best be squarin' up and paying attention, because we're gonna bust some shit up, Allah willing (we alway say that in case nothing actually happens. Which it mostly doesn't. But it will. Someday. Seriously. Quit laughing, Allah dammit!). I mean it, because we may or may not have some big, scary plan all cooked up and ready to go. Hey - stop giggling - we really are bad-asses, with training camps, guns, and super fashion sense.

You think I'm kidding, don't you? Do you think global warming is an accident, kafir? Allah (pizza be unto him) says you will drink the wine of your iniquities, and have the chips and dips of your sins. Or something like that. In any event, you really don't want to open up that can of camels. We are stupid, but we are patient, and um...where was I?

Now go put on your American cowboy boots so you may shake in them.