An Open Letter to Illiterates (a repost)

Okay, so semi-literates. Why? Because as a nation, our grammar and spelling is pathetic. We want people who live here to read, write, and speak English, but we can't use the language properly ourselves. So, as a service to all good Americans, I am now going to provide you with a brief grammar tutorial.

First off, let's address the difference between "loose" and "lose." If something is all dangly, or is easy to get into bed, it's loose. If you don't win, you lose. Moreover, the non-winner is the LOSER, not the "looser." If you lose something, it's lost. If you loose something, it's been set free. Got it?

Next, "to" and "too." I'll skip "two," because if you're that stupid, your lips are moving anyway - stop reading now. "Too" much of a good thing, not "to" much. "Let's go to the movies, and rob a 7-11, too." Is that too hard to understand?

Apostrophes. Why are they such a mystery? First off, there are contractions - the combination of two(!) words, like "there is" = "there's" and "are not" = "aren't." Next, we have the possessive versus contractive. JR's take (that's possessive!) on this is that people don't look at the context. Here's a simple test: if there's more than one, it's plural, and doesn't require an apostrophe. If the sentence mentions something that belongs to the noun, then it's possessive. "A shooter's ability is measured by shooting"(that's possessive). "There are reasons that shooters don't face each other when shooting." (that's plural). Here's a full rundown on plurals vs. possessives. Most of all, when it's plural, don't use an apostrophe. For example, when you have a cheesy sign made inviting people into the Smith's house, that's correct. However, your family is referred to as the Smiths, not the Smith's. Or, the bathroom is for "Employees Only," not for "Employee's Only." Employee's only what? Criminy.

Their, there, and they're:
There = at or in that place.
Their = the possessive form of they.
They're = the contraction of "they are."
They're there for their own reasons.

Here's another thing I see a lot, and this is a hard one, so pay attention: "its" is the possessive form of it. "It's" is the contraction of "it is" or "it has." If you can replace "it's" in your sentence with "it is," or "it has," then your word is "it's;" otherwise, your word is "its." There's no such word as " its' " A simple rule to remember: it's its, not it's!

Finally, your and you're is another one I see a lot, and the one that is most egregiously abused. I'm confused by this one, because it's really not difficult to keep the two straight. "You're" is a contraction of "you are." "Your" indicates ownership or possession. As in: "You're a sanctimonious grammar nazi and I hate your guts."

That's all for now. I feel better.